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I’m really so variable


Intuitively in recent years as the transformational fires have been crackling, I have been curating who is in my field.

To the best of my ability.

And I also do my best to alchemize what comes through me in a way that honors the signature of my sovereign essence.

But sometimes I feel utterly overwhelmed, overtaken by the tidal waves of collective drama triangle dynamics. My wishes for the mothership to come back for me intensify.

‘WTH, these people of this planet are hopeless, I love them and I can’t help them.’

Then I feel rattled to the point of making a big move, and that usually clears someone out of my field who was trying to export their garbage to my space…

And import my alchemized gold into theirs.

I’ve literally had ppl take off with pieces of me and deposit their shat in my space. Shamanic bandits!

I didn’t realize I was commoditizing my gift to alchemize gold from the most dingy neglected manifestations of victim consciousness…

But that is what I was doing.

In those moments of overwhelm, if I’m not dreaming of giving up, I might try for a heroic sprint of gold-spinning. Like: ‘ how much of this can I digest for them if they won’t digest it and they’re hunkered down in my field? Maybe if I can clean things up enough, I can buy myself some time to figure out how to guide them to do it.’

Yeah it’s obvi this is not sustainable or ideal… but it got me this far, crippling as it may be. It has been a high stakes phoenix training ground for me.

I’ve come to understand how these folks can justify such atrocious behavior, the more I help them: they feel violated.

And they’re not wrong, bc when someone tries to do your work for you, they’re robbing you of your own alchemy; you become dependent on mere fixes that never last. Even if you asked them to, even if you paid them to, even if they did it bc they really really loved you.

Eventually you’re going to have to go through what you have to go through.

You will resent whoever buffered you from your medicine and from there the temptation to feel violently righteous about it is powerful and seductive.

Unfortunately most people mistake what’s really happening for some kind of external evil.

And still, we all need a lot more help than most of us can admit. It’s just the kind of help that makes a real difference. It’s a lead a horse to water kind of situation. Or teach a fish to swim… no sorry that’s a man to fish

Fish don’t need help swimming, right?

So then this is when I’m confronted with the edge of my existence about to drop into an abyss… and I have to start removing people, or face my imminent death. I’m a lover of death, I look forward to it… but now that I have a little daughter, I am not so flippant about harming my physical form and so disrespecting the highest desires of my soul manifest.

There usually are several attempts to align the relationship, to course correct. Then there may be a warning or two. Then they gotta go.

It’s so heartbreaking for me to see someone double down on their entitlement in denial of the depleting dynamics, and see their desperate grab at their unsustainable reward from me, like digging a potato out of a hot compost heap and then paving a parking lot right there.

When the people who play like parasites leave my space, it’s very hard, painful, sad, scary. They can start behaving like ruthless gangsters, and they often crank up the projection that it’s all ME.

I’m not here trying to shirk my responsibility for my being… my problem tends to the side of taking too much responsibility TBH; which is probably why these folks get so aggressive and indignant when they are cut off from me carrying their load and providing cash-outs on the gold from straw I spun for them like mother-loving RUMPLESTILTSKIN’S PRISONER.

Also new boundaries aren’t known to be the most skillful, but there is a wild perfection in the way they can strike triggers like a gong.

My point IS:

What you see in me is what you are.

If you do or don’t like it, and you can’t handle it… maybe take a break from looking over here.

All I know is that what you see in me, what you hear and sense, is somehow FOR YOU. Whether you engage with me as a service provider, a friend, or just someone you watch on the internet.

If you do or don’t like it, and you consciously understand and want to engage with the opportunity of that, you’ll have the most success if you find a way to remind yourself that I’m an amplifying mirror, and to engage in proper reciprocation to protect yourself from parasite-gangster status.

Every time you look at me, or think of me, imagine you are planting seeds and watering them… ask yourself if this is what you want to grow?

Would you like to see more of what you’re running through my space?

What don’t you like? And how can you tend that into better-feeling feedback?

Is who you are being, something you’d like to see more of in the world?

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